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Legion contributor Dorina Arellano is recapping and reviewing The Originals for us this season. Follow her on Twitter @evildorina!

This week on The Originals, we begin with an intimate vamp gathering at Marcel’s pad. Gia is learning how to control her new superhero reflexes, and Josh is learning how to online date because dating is hard even for vampires. Suddenly, werewolves crash the party and make it less appealing than cleaning duty in a frat house basement. Aiden, the wolf leader, tells them that they need to find a new city because Esther says so and they’re the witch’s bitches now that she’s given them all moonlight rings. Hooray for shiny, practical bling!

Next, we get our mandatory Elijah and Hayley sexual tension scene, and, let’s face it, they really needed to have some angry sex like yesterday because they’re fighting and threatening each other way too much. Or, if that can’t happen, they should at least have a dance off or deal with things over a round of Mario Kart like civilized people.

In human land, Camille is spilling her soul to not-so-human Finn because he’s her therapist and she apparently has no idea who he is. Man, is she going to be pissed when she finds out! Also, how the hell does Klaus not know this? Doesn’t he have an unhealthy obsession with her and, like, super powers? Anyway, this scene is basically to tell us that, while Cami had a lot of fun boning Vampire Lando, she really loves the more messed up Klaus because logic.

In baddie land, Esther and Kol are trying to locate Davina because she has the white oak stake, and Finn has decided he wants some kids to kill some humans, so they can turn into werewolves. Of course, one of the kids is werewolf Aiden’s little bro, and he’s not cool with that, so it turns out he’s not a huge dick.

Meanwhile, Davina is actually hiding somewhere in the forest with Mikael, and they seem to be acting out Kill Bill Vol 3, so she can learn to defend herself. Predictably, this ends with Mikael being a dick when he sprains Davina’s ankle and tells her to stand on it anyway, because this is really a good lesson and totally not physical abuse. He’s just a kind hearted asshole like that. So she calls new, buffer Kol to bring her some healing stuffs, but he spends just as much time charming her with his face, his accent and his douchey but smooth lies, so he can find time to search for the white oak stake while she sleeps. He succeeds, but his dad finds him a second later, so they strike a deal: Kol will free Mikael from Davina, and Mikael will let him live (sounds fair). Lucky for Kol, his dad doesn’t recognize his new, pretty face.

Later, while Cami is on the phone with her BFF Davina, Klaus overhears the conversation thanks to his Superman hearing and finds out where Davina and his father are hiding. Clearly, he wants to kill both of them, since he’s been saving Papa Tunde’s blade of unspeakable torture for an occasion just like this, but noble Cami tells him that’s wrong because morality. It’s the CW, after all. Later at a bar, she goes all drunk therapist on him and asks him to dance with her because life isn’t just pain and revenge, it’s also happiness, and dancing, and alcohol, and twirling someone then disappearing on them. Haw-haw!

Live and Let Die

Elsewhere, in really good looking land, Elijah is teaching Gia how to fight (where does one sign up for this class?) and tells her that “as a devout feminist” he refuses to say that she hits like a girl, making the entire female audience watching the show pass out. He then spurts out instructions as music dynamics like “legato” and “crescendo,” making us music dorks smirk but forgive the cheese because suits. Finally, Gia one ups him and (passionately?) starts tearing his heart out. For practice, of course. They’re awkwardly interrupted by Hayley and Aiden who want to get the vamps and nice wolves to work together again, so they can mess up Finn’s plans to abuse the poor innocent children.

They end up saving the kids (yay!), but, as soon as Oliver (Werewolf Thor) and Elijah meet up with the dickish wolves, they’re informed that the target all along was Elijah (ut oh!). Thankfully, though, this means we get another eloquent announcement from Vampire Spock that he’s about to f*** all of their sh** up. Which he does. But, unfortunately, before they can ride off into the sunset, Finn and Esther show up, pull some witchery on Oliver, and capture Elijah.

In the meantime, Klaus shows up at the cabin and he and Mikael finally have their long-awaited Vader vs. Luke battle, except with more blood and sexier clothing. Klaus wins but for some reason decides not to kill his psycho dad because torture (this can’t go wrong), and, sure enough, Mikael wakes up as soon as Klaus isn’t looking and somehow manages to pull Papa Tunde’s magical pain dagger out from inside himself! No idea how that happened. Makes me feel like that Conspiracy Keanu meme.

We end the episode with two cool scenes. First, wolf Aidan meets vampire Josh at a bar since he’s mystery online dating a dude! I really hope this means we get some hot, gay, supernatural scenes. Rated Teen, of course. (If only this were HBO. Sigh.)

Then, we close with a chained-up Elijah (hey-o!) and his mom who’s explaining to him that he needs to be “purified.” Where does one sign up to be her assistant?

And the award for best online dating profile goes to Josh for acknowledging that he spends his time thinking about the Loch Ness Monster because penis.

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Dorina Arellano

Dorina Arellano grew up in the land of soccer, tacos and Morrissey, the awesome country that is Mexico. She's studied music since she was in her mother's belly, can hum all of John Williams' soundtracks, and sings some pretty amazing Buffy karaoke. She currently lives in Los Angeles with her toys, comic book collection, and equally nerdy husband, who doesn't seem to understand why Batman is better than Superman. She currently works for one of the nerdiest companies ever, Google. In addition to being a Legion of Leia contributor, in her spare time, Dorina also writes for Nerds In Babeland. Follow Dorina on Twitter @evildorina and dare to challenge her at Mario Kart.