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bdf2e4a57807aa2a3b82372886f2Legion contributor Dorina Arellano just recapped another episode of The Originals for us. Follow her on Twitter @evildorina!

This week’s episode of The Originals opens with its first flashback in Cadiz (that’s in Spain, yo) and, apparently, everyone in the 18th century had long, luscious, Pantene Pro-V hair, including Kol, a.k.a. Vampire Norman Bates, who’s actually played by the original actor this time (Nathaniel Buzolic) to the joy of many teenage girls and some boys who love hot accents and all-around creepiness. The purpose of this flashback is to show Kol getting daggered for disagreeing with his two older brothers and being an annoying little bitch, in general.

We fast forward to New Orleans in 1821, where Elijah is teaching tiny Marcel (Vampire Lando) the ways of the force through piano lessons and Shakespeare, while Klaus is sporting a sweet Patrick Swayze style hairdo and deciding to undagger (I’m pretty sure I just made this word up) Kol because he suddenly wants to act all brotherly and go on vampire-frat-douche type killing sprees with him (secretly hoping they’ll have the time of their lives). But Kol has his own plans and decides he wants to make young Marcel a tiny vampire (a universal vampire dick move) by showing him a live version of Hamlet that includes human actors killing each other and making him drink blood, so Klaus daggers him yet again because reasons. Then Elijah acts like a jerk to tiny Marcel on purpose, because he realizes that Marcel’s relationship with Klaus is the only thing preserving whatever’s left of his brother’s humanity. Marcel, of course, never actually figures this out because drama.

Back in the present time, sans ridiculous fashion and hair, Hybrid Hayley is still going cray, missing her daughter and crying all day, then hunting witches with Klaus all night and getting naked in front of Elijah, who doesn’t really “schwing!” like he should because he’s basically Vampire Spock. In fact, he’s pissed at her behavior so much that he asks Klaus to help her simmer down. So both sad parents go looking for her wolf pack, so Hayley can try to be their leader once more.

Meanwhile, Marcel is still trying to assemble his new team of Vampire Avengers, while Elijah is searching for the infamous white oak stake. He needs Davina to cast a locator spell, but the badass witch has no time for that or his enunciating, well-dressed, charming ass. Even though she gives him all of the sass, he ends up figuring out she actually has the stake that can kill them all and in the darkness bind them.

The Originals

Sometime later, new, buffer, Kol is still obsessively stalking Davina, when suddenly they’re attacked by wolves. With no other choice, Davina releases Mikael to save her and kill the wolves Blade style, while Kol sees his father and just sits there, reacting, kind of like OMG cat. In all the commotion, Davina’s bracelet falls off, because powerful magical items helping you control one of the world’s most dangerous vampires must always be poorly secured. Obviously, Mikael decides to kill her, but, lucky for Davina, Elijah shows up and saves her while having an even worse case of OMG cat face as his dad attacks him with the white oak stake. Thankfully, Davina finds her bracelet and tells papa Mikaelson to stop being a dick.

Of course, Mother Esther (Cassie) was actually the one who planned the wolf attack on Davina because she’s an asshole like that. However, Kol, despite seemingly working with his mother, decides not to tell her about the Mikael bombshell because psycho vampire has other self serving plans, I’m sure (consistent family loyalty being such a strong Mikaelson trait). Also, to crank up the evil plotting, Esther has some witches making a ton of moonlight rings to get on the wolves’ good side, but all this brazenness catches Klaus’s attention and he’s having none of it. He goes to confront her, and, as they have a very tense conversation over chamomile tea, he realizes who she is.

Elsewhere, Hayley ends up inviting some of the wolves to stay with them, so Elijah leaves Team Wolf, because the writers have to keep the sexual tension going somehow, and joins Team Vampire by agreeing to mentor Marcel’s new vampire chick Gia who is awesome because she plays the violin.

So now that the brothers know both parents are back, Klaus naturally asks Elijah: “Which of our parents do we kill first?”

Monday nights mean realizing your family is not as messed up as you thought they were.

And the award for Best Shocked Cat Impersonation By A Vampire goes to Elijah Mikaelson! With Kol a close second. The tie breaker being Elijah’s suit.

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Dorina Arellano

Dorina Arellano grew up in the land of soccer, tacos and Morrissey, the awesome country that is Mexico. She's studied music since she was in her mother's belly, can hum all of John Williams' soundtracks, and sings some pretty amazing Buffy karaoke. She currently lives in Los Angeles with her toys, comic book collection, and equally nerdy husband, who doesn't seem to understand why Batman is better than Superman. She currently works for one of the nerdiest companies ever, Google. In addition to being a Legion of Leia contributor, in her spare time, Dorina also writes for Nerds In Babeland. Follow Dorina on Twitter @evildorina and dare to challenge her at Mario Kart.