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The Vampire Diaries(Photo: The Damon and Bonnie hour now with 100% Percent more Sass.)

Our Jonah Keel is recapping and reviewing The Vampire Diaries for us this season! Follow him on Twitter @JonahKeel!

On this week’s episode of The Vampire Diaries: “Yellow Ledbetter,” prepare for more brooding (statistically it IS the number one activity of vampires everywhere who appear to be in their 20s), the return of more missing characters, 90’s flashbacks, and shirtlessness—I know you were all worried about that.

The episode opens on Damon and Bonnie holding hands. Where’s the white light? Where are they? Text across the screen let’s us know that 4 months ago, so there are pancakes to look forward to. But, why is the bar back? What happened? Dun dun dun!

In for sure real Mystic Falls, Elena’s victim from last episode is doing fine, though she has a big bandage on her neck. Didn’t Caroline heal her AND compel her to forget? Shoddy work, Caroline. Shoddy work. The really important thing though is that Jeremy is shirtless! And, also still trying to forget Bonnie by hooking up with multiple girls. Those Gilberts and their poor coping mechanisms. Matt and Jeremy fighting, get a little heated about Jeremy’s self-destructive behavior. Oh you two. Somewhere someone is shipping Matt/Jeremy and writing so much slashfic.

In Stefanland, his lady sucks at making breakfast. Stefan makes things awkward by pointing out he thought this was a simple hookup. Classy buddy. Ivy—she has a name—is dejected until Stephan offers to take her out, or cook her diner. Cause burn, your cooking sucks Ivy! Man, Season Six Stephan is kind of a jerk.

At Whitmore, Elena is packing up a box with all the Damon reminders in her super nice dorm room—makes my quad look way lame by comparison. There’s a sexy flashback due to the pictures and clothes, and shirtless Smolderholder! But why is she packing? Didn’t the school year just start? Of right, cause she’s dead set on being compelled to forget Damon.

At the Melt—in my headcanon it’s the Bayside hangout until we learn otherwise –Alaric has to deal with fussy Caroline. Why does she care more about finding Damon and Bonnie than anyone else? They’re all jerks! But Alaric tells her that someone else does care. It’s Enzo, who’s actually using pretty progressive methods of interrogation, for him: sex as opposed to violence. I mean, hey, let’s use some positive reinforcement. He’s headed off to Oregon. That’s what making out with Witches does for you. And Caroline is in for a ROADTRIP! Shippers on notice!

Shipping alert!

Shipping alert!

Alaric informs Elena that this compelling process will be needlessly complex. Otherwise how would this be compelling dramatically… I’m so sorry. Man, I forgot how much I like Alaric. Let’s hang out Ric! Alaric stares at Elena and the process begins with – a first season flashback! Aw, they look like vampire babies!

On the Damon and Bonnie show. The cars are all old. The Gilbert house is back. Where are they? They’re in the past? What? Someone called Damon Lindelof!

Elena is flashingback again! This IS harder than it looks. There’s so much love! She just can’t forget Damon. For all Alaric’s talk about how complicated this would be, he’s still just staring at Elena and doing the same compelling Schtick we keep seeing.

In weird past Mystic Falls, Damon broods on the Gilbert porch on a swing. Bonnie theorizes Grams saved them somehow, and that holding hands brought Damon along with her. There’s a magic solution, but Bonnie has no powers. That is how you create conflict! Bonus though, they’re apparently stuck in 1994. Which is pretty much one of the best years. Ever.

Elena takes a break from Alaric’s, honestly, poor attempts to compel the Damon out of her. Caroline doesn’t think Elena should do it. “WWBD?” she asks. What would Bonnie do? On the Caroline/Enzo road trip –-so much shipping — they’re not headed to the Gemini Coven in Oregon. They’re on trip somewhere else. Where? To make Stephan’s date with Ivy super awkward. Dinner party! Enzo being the worst wingman ever! Caroline throwing shade! Ivy wants to know what’s up. While Enzo is super creepy. “I’m a neck person… so is Stephan…” Hahaha witches and stuff. This is like ten times more awkward than any Ben Stiller movie.

Not at all creepy or awkward staring.

Not at all creepy or awkward staring.

On the Damon and Bonnie show, Damon cooks at the house. Bonnnie got a teddy bear. And a grimoire. And there’s Salt N Peppa. And the Spin Doctors. High School was so rad! Crap. I am old. Oh maybe Bonnie can maybe study to be a witch again. But turns out they’re doing a Groundhog Day thing. Apparently Damon is not a fan of Bill Murray movies as he’s a big jerk about the whole thing and accuses Bonnie of dragging him to hell. Damon is a downer. Andie MacDowell was so charming in that movie!

Whatever Slashfic featuring Jer-Matt there is, I hope it’s less boring than this banter. Elena’s vamp attack victim s named Sarah, and she’s staying. Matt goes for a run and wind sup talking with the neighborhood watch guy: Trip (additional headcannon – this is now a Eureka AU). Trip is no longer concerned about Sarah as a victim because she may have stolen a car. Priorities yo.

At Whitmore with Alaric and Elena, there’s more staring and more flashbacks. Is Damon capable of NOT smoldering? Seriously. The love, and flashback powers a too strong for Alaric’s substandard compelling prowess. Alaric demands to know when Elena fell in love with Damon? When was it? When? And just like that Elena gives up on being compelled.

Two months into the Bonnie and Damon show. Damon is better at pancakes, but Bonnie hates them. Damon could be more sensitive. The fashions are so 90s. And Damon broods like we all did in High School. No one understands our feelings!

Back at the awkward dinner party we get somewhat necessary exposition. Stephan has lived there for 2 months, and Caroline is way bitter. So, Enzo stabs Stephan. Which makes things even more awkward, and leads to vampire fighting between Enzo and Stefan. And possibly, more slashfic/shipping?

Alaric phones a friend to ask Caroline when Elena fell for Damon. Shocker, Caroline says it’s when she was with Stefan! And Stefan hears the whole thing. Worst. Dinner Party. Ever. Caroline and Stephan talk it out. So much brooding. The Gemini coven is a bogus lead. More brooding. Does Caroline still ships her and Stephan? Do I? I honestly cannot keep track at this point. Stefan responds by being a jerk, so Caroline storms off.

Elena is calls Luke for more magic spell powder because she just can’t quit Damon. And we get a reminder that drugs are bad! Alaric still wants to help. Admit it, he seems to say; you loved Damon when you were with Stephan! But there’s denial, moping, tears, and another flashback! On the Damon and Bonnie show, Damon is flashing back too! Turns out Elena feel for Damon when he gave her Stephan’s previously-gifted-to-Elena necklace. Though to be fair, selfless Damon is pretty sweet. The truth revealed, Alaric can now compel Elena to quit Damon.

This, sidenote, is kind of a crappy gift.

This, sidenote, is kind of a crappy gift.

Caroline is crying because Stephan was a jerk. Elena had a god day because she was compelled. Caroline needs a good friend. Enzo shows how much he cares by snapping poor Ivy’s neck, fridging Ivy to hurt Stefan. Not awesome, guy. We hoped you’d traded in your violent tendencies for sexy ones – though not sure how this would’ve ended NOT in slashfic were that the case. His methods may be a bit intense, but Enzo does have Stephan pegged correctly as a jerk. Enzo then snaps Stefan’s neck, which is totally fair since Stephan had snapped his earlier. In the Vampire world neck snapping is just like saying come at me bro. Pretty sure these actions will have consequences.

In Mystic Falls, it turns out Jeremy does have feelings. Seriously emo ones, as he’s still calling Bonnie’s voice mail to mope. REM from 1994 (Everybody hurts) plays adding some nice 1994 symmetry. Sarah admits to having stolen a car. She’s looking for her dad. Who’s her dad, I wonder? Place your guesses below!

Matt is still confiding in Trip. Who it turns out is a founding family member. Which of course means he has secrets. In this case, he’s killing vampires by bringing them into Mystic falls in a windowless van. Looks like he’s got issues. And whatever the vampire equivalent of candy is.

Things close on Bonnie and Damon finally being ice to each other, solving the crossword together. But, the crossword is solved with the clue “Yellow Ledbetter.” Someone else IS in the house. And they are a Pearl Jam fan apparently.

Takeaways from “Yellow Ledbetter”

Brooding is perhaps better than neck snapping when you have feels.

This season will have shirtlessness.

So. Much. Shipping.

AU Eureka is weird.

And 1994 was the best year ever.

Presented as a public service because you are totally singing this now to yourself - with the wrong lyrics

Presented as a public service because you are totally singing this now to yourself – with the wrong lyrics

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