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Legion contributor Dorina Arellano recaps and reviews The Originals each week! Follow her on Twitter @evildorina!

This show. This f***ing show! The writers keep throwing us curve balls the size of bloody 16 pound bowling balls. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s rewind. We begin with the mother of all flashbacks, in 972 A.D., and we see the mother of all mothers, Esther, asking her older sister (who seems even more effed up and scary than she does) to help with her fertility issues. She agrees but warns Esther that everything comes with a price.

Then we fast forward to the present, and Finn is ordering his wolf lackeys to execute Oliver (Werewolf Thor) for being a traitor, making his mama Esther proud and setting this week’s evil plot into motion, while Esther’s still “lovingly” trying to purify her son Elijah in the dungeon by putting her voodoo and throat slitting skillz to good use. #MotherOfTheYear

Hayley, the most beautiful badass in New Orleans, wants to help Klaus save his brother, but Klaus is adamant about flying solo this time, so she decides to help Oliver, instead. She asks Marcel and Gia to help her, but I forget what the plan is because I’m too distracted by the hybrid’s stunning eyes, mouth, eyebrows, face… oh, got it! They’re supposed to distract Finn, who, moments later, just happens to find Cami at a bar because he can’t possibly avoid all the bars his one fake patient works at. He tells her he fears for her safety because Klaus is dangerous when Cami abruptly decides to leave because how does he know her favorite drink is a sazerac?! Yes. This show is both awesome and ridiculous.

Making a smart decision, Cami runs straight to her family’s secret closet of New Orleans lore and discovers her therapist “Vincent Griffith” isn’t who he claims to be. She informs Vampire Lando that, instead of confronting Finn, she’s going to spy on him because she likes fun. So she invites Finn for a drink, they apologize to each other, and things seems to be going well. Then she decides to forego her Sherlock skills, dials up her awkwardness, and starts asking him about his family, which naturally weirds him out. Scared at his reaction, she starts pulling some Han Solo shiz under the table (with a knife instead of a blaster), but he comes around, so she puts the knife back in her purse. Outside, Gia and Marcel fight a hybrid, and Gia gets bit while saving her maker, but it’s all good because Vampire Lando’s got some of Klaus’ extremely useful blood in storage.

In Mikaelson town, Klaus sees what appears to be a ghost or vision of Elijah (in a suit, of course) planted by Esther, who’s now trying to work her other son because family is important. This leads to a heated and quite entertaining conversation between two really good actors that could easily be reenacted as a game of american football played by 300-pound ballet dancers. She tells him she loves him, and he (rightfully) tells her to choke on it. Then he informs her that Mikael is back, and Kol’s been hiding this little bit of knowledge from her. This is probably the first time I’ve seen new Esther scared, but she continues to try to convince her son that Mikael wasn’t always the Devil.

You see, Mikael was heartbroken by the death of their daughter, Freya, so he pushed Esther away into the arms (penis) of Klaus’ biological father, but the birth of Klaus made Mikael happy again, which is why Esther decided not to involve Werewolf Lover/Dad in Klaus’ life. They were a family again. However, even after hearing all this, Klaus is still a hater. He calls his mother a whore, and she (rightfully) slaps him. Then she offers to make him a werewolf if he leaves his current “terrible” (but really powerful and good looking) body. He refuses (because, seriously, who would take this one sided deal?), so she breaks his neck. Halftime.

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In wolf town, Hayley finally finds Jackson who’s been living in what looks like a dump with access to fabulous shampoo. He explains that he rejected the Guerreras, so he had to go into hiding with this new guy Ansel, who… wait for it… looks a lot like Klaus’ biological father! Jackson won’t help, though, because Oliver betrayed him, but Ansel steps right up because he’s not ok with witches killing werewolves. Hmmm.

So Hayley and Ansel break into witch camp and find Werewolf Thor suspiciously unguarded, but, of course, this doesn’t last long and Ansel stays behind to buy Hayley and Ollie time to escape through the back door, where they still run into Aiden and the rest of the wolf lackeys. Just as Hayley is about to throw down, Ollie gives them a powerful speech about not being bitches and, because he uses his accent, he convinces them to let them go.

Now back to the dude that looks like Klaus’ father who’s been distracting the other wolves by hitting them really hard. Of course, Klaus finds him, looks shocked, almost cries, is an actor. Then, in typical Klaus fashion, he tells him to eff off.

Unfortunately, for Oliver fans, he and Hayley arrive in the land of magical backwoods shampoo with only just enough time for Oliver to ask Jackson to be the alpha the rest of the wolf pack needs (and deserves) right before he dies thanks to the asshole witches.

In the end, Esther explains to Klaus that she brought Ansel back from the Other Side before it collapsed. To what end? To be the father Klaus never had. But Klaus is not having any of this, because Esther still came for his daughter. As he chokes his mother, he says: “You declared war when you came after my family. And for that, I will make you suffer as only I can. After all, I am my mother’s son.” BOOM.

What Klaus (and the viewers until now) don’t realize is the price Esther paid Dalia for her fertility was the first born of each generation in her line, which is actually how they really lost Freya, and why Esther tried to take Hope from Klaus and Hayley, because, otherwise, Dalia would come back for ALL her children. Hide your kids! Hide your wife! (You were all thinking it.) But Hope is alive and well with auntie Rebekah, so Antoine Dodson’s worst nightmare might come back after all. So, if we get to see Dalia, do we get to see Freya as well? So many questions. So many Mikaelsons. So many minds blown.

I’d now like to end this recap with a tribute to Oliver:

RIP Werewolf Thor. May you somehow come back because no one in this show ever actually dies. And if you don’t, may you find mew mew in puppy heaven.

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Dorina Arellano

Dorina Arellano grew up in the land of soccer, tacos and Morrissey, the awesome country that is Mexico. She's studied music since she was in her mother's belly, can hum all of John Williams' soundtracks, and sings some pretty amazing Buffy karaoke. She currently lives in Los Angeles with her toys, comic book collection, and equally nerdy husband, who doesn't seem to understand why Batman is better than Superman. She currently works for one of the nerdiest companies ever, Google. In addition to being a Legion of Leia contributor, in her spare time, Dorina also writes for Nerds In Babeland. Follow Dorina on Twitter @evildorina and dare to challenge her at Mario Kart.