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Previously, on Vikings, portents portents porents, everyone’s ideas are bad ideas, you just didn’t notice until we cut them together all close and neat in this recap. Oh and Wacky Wandering Snowholding Herald Man is real and in Kattegat. Can you help me, he says. Can you help me like FUN.

This program contains violent scenes and some sexual content that is not suitable for younger viewers, unless they are Viking children, in which case it’s par for the course. This disclaimer is also applicable to this reviewcap, along with a healthy warning for naughty words and, of course, spoilers.

It’s cold and rainy in Kattegat, and children’s laughter floats adorably through the air of the comfy cozy great hall, and here comes Helga with Crusty McSnowbeard. He looks around the place and is like okay nice digs, and Helga like shrugs forward because okay, welp, here comes the physical manifestation of our shared hallucination, and Siggy and Aslaug look up from what appears to be leather basket weaving? Which has to be a class at a community college somewhere and I want to take it to be a real Viking. Siggy and Aslaug jump up and grab the children in front of them like tiny adorable blond baby Ragnar human shields, and are like ‘heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey wut?’ and Helga’s SO SO CALMLY, bless her heart, like ‘Hey, friends, this nice man just approached me in the market his hand is hurt he ASKED FOR HELP so’. Aslaug is like yyyeeaaaah totes let’s- sure, let’s do this. She sends the kids off with Siggy to get water and sits while Helga hovers nervous-but-intriguedly, and Aslaug just leaks graciousness all over the place and helps the man of their dreams with his hand. His name is Harbard. That’s a nice normal name. I guess. Let’s be honest I have exactly zero barometer for normalcy or niceness in Viking names. I wouldn’t lie to you guys. I have no idea.

So they ask him why he ‘sleeps rough’- ladies, calm down- because that’s how he maybe hurt his hand maybe, and he’s a wanderer and he would be super grateful for a straw bed to sleep on. Siggy is like super suspicious and side eying him. Harbard assures the ladies he’s not asking for a place to sleep for FREE, oh no. He has stories. So Harbard’s a bard/grifter/TROUBLE TROUBLE TROUBLE. He sings for his supper, he says, so Aslaug invites him to sup with them, and wants to pay respects to King Ragnar, and Aslaug’s like whatevs, hang out, you’re welcome to whatever we have and Siggy’s like STOP. STOP. STOP RIGHT NOW STOP IT but it’s all internal.

Over in England, There’s a big ol’ procession of soldiers and horses and at the lead is King Ecbert, who’s spidey sense is tingling, and then he LOUDLY says “You’re talking about my back say it to my face bitch” and his sassy and VERY poorly groomed advisor guys are like ‘fine idgaf why are you giving pagans our farming seekrits but you aren’t asking them for help with boats and whatever? and also ABOUT THE PAGANISM convert much wtf’. And Ecbert LITERALLY says ‘all right listen up fives a ten is speaking’ (your definition of ‘literally’ may vary, never question me again), and explains how he could give a shit, basically, who the Vikings worship as long as they’re helping him get the goshdarn Mercian throne which idk if you’re aware is MOST OF ENGLAND. They squint worriedly or duck their heads while Ecbert shakes his head in slow disappointment. They are so chastised it is so great Ecbert is so great. He invites them to tell him his policy is wrong and he’s not thinking of England and he doesn’t deserve to be king. He ACTUALLY literally says the words “if you dare” and spoiler alert THEY DO NOT. THEY DARE EXACTLY NOTHING. This is like Frank Underwood’s ancestral beginnings, Ecbert is screwing around approx. 0%. they ride on. Ecbert is sexy.

Vikings!! Floki wanders up to where Ragnar is putting his shoes one while everyone else sharpens their murder cudgels and axels and whatever, and is like ‘so for real why are we doing Christians’ dirty work wtf is the point of this’. Ragnar says ‘this isn’t about you’ which I don’t think Floki can like…. conceive. Of a world. In which that is true BUT ANYWAY. Ragnar is very very serious about this, about how the fight is for their children, their peoples’ future, and how he doesn’t want conflict with the Christians. Floki, who knows EXACTLY what’s up, lays it out for Ragnar that the success of the Christian God means the destruction of their own. Ragnar is like oh yeah so’s your face, and tells Floki not to fight if he doesn’t want to. Rollo is like JFC the BOTH of you, stop, we have to climb a damn mountain, be friends. And Ragnar’s like ‘kay’ and Floki slinks off without comment because they are all twelve.

Bjorn is sexily painting Porunn’s warpaint and they’re all cute and playful and Ragnar walks over like HI KIDS, and leans down to give Bjorn SUCH a face and is like “are you finished?” and Bjorn rolls his eyes and takes Porunn off to join the gathering horde. Kwenthric is like ‘hey spare my bro’ and Ragnar is like PFFFFTTTTTT and walks away. Torstein is covered with a blanket and looks like crap and begs Rollo to take him along and Rollo’s like ‘oh you poor bastard not a chance’. He throws his blanket off and stands up and is like I CAN FIGHT GIMME A SHIELD GDI, and Rollo does, and Torstein-zombie is like ‘great’ and they head off to war.

Ecbert gets to Lagertha’s farm, they both look great, and Lagertha learned some English and Ecbert is so delighted. He introduces his stupid nobles cuz they’re so curious about how it’s going. Ecbert brought her a new present and Lagertha’s like ‘whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat’ and it’s a plow, and she is ECSTATIC. And Ecbert’s explaining how plows work, which sounds exactly like how you think they do and that technology hasn’t changed in a long damn time as it turns out, and Lagertha’s like FOR KEEPS?! and Ecbert’s like “duh fasho girl”. He then talks dirty to her about plowing and sewing seeds and Lagertha’s like yeah I’m pickin’ up what you’re layin’ down. Then they stare at each other for a moment. He invites her to the villa, STANDING OPEN INVITATION, and Athelstan too. Then he bounces, and Lagertha watches him go like oooooooh he fine and he likes me. Not bad, Arl Ingstadt, not bad.

The Vikings have climbed a mountain, hurrah, and Torstein looks… like about as good as you’d expect. Rollo drops him like a sack of flour, no one is sympathetic. The Vikings huddle on the hill and see no one, and Ragnar’s like I hear horses and smell A TRAP. Torstein volunteers to go first because, you know, he’s already on the brink of death. He drags his one armed ass out in the open, carrying his shield. He has one arm, did I mention? Cuz he does. One arm, and they cut the other one off like an hour ago. He staggers into view and all the English who are chillin and apparently not setting a trap so much as just… hanging out expecting not to be followed, are like ‘w… wwhhaaa? is this magic?’, which I don’t know why they would think that because there is nothing magical about Torstein’s bleeding stump or terrible pallor. Poor Torstein. The English draw their arrows. Torstein blocks ’em with his shield except one that hits his leg. The English soldiers laugh and fire again. NOT COOL. Torstein keeps staggering forward. Satisfied he is not a shaman, the English start over, swords drawn. Torstein calls on Odin and reaches out toward the nearest Englishman. Then he jerks the arrow out of his leg and uses it to stab a guy to death. The soldiers kill him and beardy dies a glorious one armed Viking death. We’ll miss you bro.

Then the Vikings take the hill. Rollo is a beast. This music is making me anxious. Floki takes particular glee in killing Christians. No one’s holding back, everyone seems kinda furious. Rollo’s hair looks fantastic.

Maybe he's born with it.

Maybe he’s born with it.

Porunn gets in too close with an Englishman and gets her ass kinda kicked, and Bjorn ABSOLUTE LOSES IT AND BEATS THE GUY TO DEATH WITH HIS OWN HELMET. Porunn is down. Ragnar goes to help another soldier up and has to bullet time dodge a spear whic hsuper pisses him off. Then he sees the rest of the arm which is massively gigantically massive. Except then archers appear on the ridge and they belong to douche husband and the idiot rapist brother’s army, that decided to hang out in a freakin’ box canyon, go down pretty fast. They spare Kwenthric’s idiot scumbag rapist brother, who begs for his life. His soldiers throw their weapons down. Floki is like SERIOUSLY? AE WE SERIOUSLY? COME ON.

Ecbert is taking Lags on a lovely torch-lit tour of the villa, showing her the Roman bath house. She asks about the Gods on the wall, and Ecbert’s like ‘they’re pagan like yours!’ and she’s like ‘nuh uh ours are real and love and bleed’ and Ecbert’s like oh god you’re hot but nods and hmmms along like he’s thinking whole thoughts.

Habard is telling the ladies a story about finding a buncha giants hanging out on benches and the king giant asked if he had skills, and Harbard told him he could drink. Siggy is so freaking over this story she could puke. She doesn’t want him there and she thinks his stories are predictable and poorly structured. I assume this is true from the degree of huffy eye roll she is throwing around. Apparently Harbard’s drinking goblet was magic and wouldn’t empty, so then he wrestled an old crone, instead. Siggy starts to be a little interested in spite of herself. Harbard’s performance is…. energetic. So he lost the wrestling match to the old lady. The king admitted he was using spells to trick him, that the goblet was filled with the sea and that the old crone he wrestled was old age herself, which if you’ve read The Last Unicorn you might have been up on because he called the crone what sounded like ‘Ellie’. Siggy, whose hair is particularly voluminous this episode, is like okay well that wasn’t really you in the great hall, and Harbard’s like oh yeah then who was I? And Helga’s like I KNOW I KNOW THOR BECA– USE YOU DRAINED THE SEAS and fought old age, and Harbard’s like YUP I was Thor. And Aslaug’s like ha ha charming. And Harbard’s like for real though I was there and saw it with my own eyes. Siggy is like >:|

Snake in the Eye starts crying, and Harbard’s like he needs to see me, and goes with Aslaug to check on screaming sad baby, who POINTS AT HARBARD AND SCREAMS. Harbard sits next to him and pets his head and tells him he’s taking his pain away. Sigurt calms down and gets sleepy and is all good again. And Aslaug is like WHHHHHHHHHAAAAAT. HOW THE WHAT HOW. And Harbard’s like uh. And doesn’t answer.

witchcraft?

witchcraft?

Athelstan and Lags and Ecbert and Lady Judith are still hanging out in the Roman bath, and Ecbert’s like BATH TIME YAAAAAY! And Athelstan’s like uuuuuuuh. Then everyone is naked and in the tub, and drinking, and Ecbert starts telling Lagertha about Paris, and Athelstan is like oh yeah I’ve been there while he gives Lady Judith sexy eyes. Lagertha starts casing the joint by asking Ecbret questions. Then ecbert kisses her. And it’s OH DEAR it’s very kissy. Judith freaks out and runs away. Athelstan is like awe, Lagertha is like MAN I DON’T CARE and goes back to smooching the king. Athelstan runs out to go apologize to Judith, and she’s like I’m freaked out cuz I wanna jump you and it’s wrong. And Athelstan is like look nothing happened, you didn’t do anything wrong, God understands, it’s fine. Athelstan says the sexiest prayer EVER and they’re all close in the candlelit bathhouse and WHEREIS RAGNAR? Back in the tub, Lags and Ecbert are STRAIGHT UP DOING IT. Good for them.

On the battlefield, Ragnar sits next to Torstein’s body and Floki is like hey this is your fault, Torsteins’ death was meaningless. How many more of us are going to die for the English, have you renounced our Gods, did Athelstan brainwash you? Ragnar is like we’re all fated to die, but it’s our choice to do as we please til it comes. I didn’t force you to come. You chose. So suck it up buttercup and get off my case.

Rollo gets Ragnar to come see Bjorn because uh oh. Porunn’s face is aaaaaall messed up. But at least she’s alive? Bjorn blames himself for not protecting her, Ragnar’s like that’s what the shield’s for. Bjorn is like but my BABY and Ragnaris like well, shit, as is Rollo. Then Ragnar gets hella pissed and berates Bjorn for letting her come at all and storms away. Bjorn feels way better about things. Rollo tells Bjorn she won’t die cuz she wants to live and has much to live for, GOOD UNCLE ROLLO, and tells Bjorn to be a man and be strong and coax her back from Valhalla instead of crying about it, and yeah, sure, but toxic viking masculinity anyone?

Kwenthric has coached her brother on how to apologize. Ragnar headbutts him in response and then is like ‘no hard feels bruh’. Bless.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

Farmers be farmin’, Lagertha doing all the hard work and wearing pants like a boss. Ecbert comes to tell everyone the good knews that Mercia is theirs, and Ragnar and Bjorn are alive, and Athelstan invites them to stay and enjoy the first crop. The nobles are all tetchy about the pagan sacrifice bit, and Ecbert’s like I SAID WE’RE STAYING.

In Kattegat a guy in a boat is shouting help in his boat and the villagers help drag it on shore, and in his fishing net he’s caaauuuuggghhtt— oh it’s a person! Oh it’s two small children. Oh it’s kids. Drowned in a net. That’s not good. Siggy is like MEANINGFUL GLANCE at Aslaug. Harbard sees this happen and gets the full force of Siggy’s suspicious glare.

squint squint squint

Dead kids? Better squint cryptically and show no discernible emotion.

 

 

Sacrifice time! The music and the blood drawings and the awesome. The English look….. incredibly nervous. Awe, this poor cow. It’s all very, veeeery Pagan, like SUPEr pagan. Ecbert and Judith make the sign of the cross and are like OH MAN HERE WE GO. Lagertha shows up aaalll in white and starts praying to Frey. Judith is tweeeaaakin out. Lagertha is goddamn majestic/terrifying. Ecbert is super intrigued and probably turned on. Judith holds Athelstan’s hand. They behead the cow and the how blood goes everywhere and all the vikings cheer and are like yaaaay good harvest! and the Christians are like OH GOD WHAT WTF IS THIS A THING? Lagertha streaks her throat with blood and then they pour the rest of it over her, and Ecbert is like holy shit I’m dating a goddess this is cray.

 

vikings-season-3-lagertha-kathryn-winnick

Is he watching? He’s totally watching. Okay, sexy blood time.

The party doesn’t stop there as they walk down the rows of the tilled earth and splatter the blood over the ground. The nobles are like uh sacrilege hello much? Ecbert, who super doesn’t believe or care about it nevertheless knows his nobles are jumpy and pissed and can cause problems here.

Back in Kattegat the trees shake and wolves start howling and Seer is all taken aback which can’t be a good sign. Siggy is talking to him and telling him about Harbard. She tells the Seers about the dreams and says Harbard’s a magician or something. The Seer is like well if he’s helping lil Sigurt, that’s cool. Siggy’s like but what bout the dead kids? Seer is like where’s your proof? Siggy’s like hey it’s just a feeling, you’re the SEER. He says he hasn’t been warned or promised by the Gods, he hasn’t foreseen anything. Siggy tells him about the part where they saw him tied up and bleeding in their dream. The Seer is like well, shit. No one can help you.

Good times!

More Viking goodness to come. If you want to share theories, we can talk about it on twitter! I’m @eruditechick, and no one can help me.

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Amanda S.

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